Uncertainty…

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Not feeling so good. Crohn’s is all about this. You feel great one moment, and then not so great in the next.

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It’s the uncertainty of it all that drives me insane. As soon as you switch to “I’m not feeling so good” mode, you start to panic… you retrace your steps: what did I eat today? was it something I ate yesterday? what did I do differently? was my tummy not full enough before I took my meds? do I need to drink more water? should I take a Panadol? did I poo enough today? did I poo too much today?… it can be quite alarming that in the back of your head all of these thoughts evolve and no matter how much you try to distract yourself, you’re still constantly thinking about how you’re feeling. Note to self, do more meditation…maybe that’ll clear the crazy questions and feelings?

I’ve been noticing some symptoms showing in the last 2 days. You know, that feeling when your body doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve been feeling low on energy, had some swelling in the “downstairs” area, my stomach has been bloated and makes these squeaking and growling noises… So immediately I am in panic mode. I’ve been doing well since my relapse and now I’m like, shiiiitttttt…..

This is my thought process when I notice that things are going off track from my “feeling better and healthy” path;

First thought: FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!! What’s happenening? Oh my God oh my god oh my god, shiiiiiiiiittttttttt…. (insert aforementioned crazy questions and retracing of the day at this point)

Second thought: OK! Ok, ok… you can do this girl. It’s ok. Breathe. Ok. You can handle this. It gets worse before it gets better (Who the hell came up with this phrase? I don’t believe it) but you’re ok. Ok. How can you manage this now?

Third thought: I’m calling EVERYONE to get help!

So today I called my surgeon and made an appointment for next Tuesday (the earliest appointment that they could accommodate. Can always cancel if things settle down), I called my gastroenterologist and made an appointment for this Thursday (AWESOME! ) contacted my Acupuncturist to squeeze me in for an additional appointment (I’ve got one booked for Saturday morning already).

All bases covered. It might be totally nothing (might actually be that whole “it gets worse before it gets better” situation…hmmmm….) but at least I am super more reactive about it. I’m so aware of my body at this stage that, if it doesn’t feel right, most likely something isn’t right. I’ve had to learn the hard way of course (if you remember my blog about my recent relapse, I was ignoring the different symptoms that were showing) so now I don’t wait around. I can always cancel appointments if it is just a “bad day”. This is all possible because I am not yet back at work. If I was at work right now, I would probably hesitate to make every appointment under the sun because my work just can’t accommodate me leaving so regularly throughout the week. So if you’re having a flare, or some weird symptoms, just make the call and make the ONE appointment you know can give you the answers you need to ease your panic.

In the meantime, I hope there is a Crohn’s doctor out there who is opening a clinic which takes appointments after work hours and on a Saturday. You would have a fuckload of business, I promise! For me, being able to balance my “normal” life (work and socialising) with my ‘Crohn’s” life is crucial for my well-being. It’s a control thing. It’s my thing. If I can do everything else that makes me feel normal, AND deal with Crohn’s, then I will certainly heal better.

At the end of the day, do what you have to do to make yourself better, whether it’s rest or seeing your doctor. Don’t let things get worse. Uncertainty is not a great place to be in to help you deal and heal… Wish me luck!

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