I just wanna be fixed already…

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Impatience. A very, VERY annoying habit of mine. I think I use up all my patience in my line of work, that it’s exhausted before I can apply it to myself. I left work early today to go see some doctors that I had appointments for (bonus for getting out of work early, deduction for having to race around anxiously to see everyone!).

My surgeon was the first person to visit…hadn’t seen him in almost 6 weeks. He’s really lovely. His name is Dr. Darren Gold at the Macquarie Street Centre near Martin Place. He’s as gentle as a surgeon can be, is very confident about how he can make you better, and gives you very specific and helpful information about what is going on in your body, from the inside out. Anyway, general check up to see how everything is going – pants down, facing the wall, knees bent up to my chest and a large lamp shining a spotlight as he looks up my butt with lube and a latex glove. Amazing visual, isn’t it? Ehhh, I am so used to doctors looking down there that I should probably just become a nudist to avoid the time spent undressing. I remember going to a doctor’s appointment with my mum when I was a teenager – my mum is a super glamour puss, always looks amazingly stylish – and as we were leaving the house, she was disappointed with my choice of tracky pants, ugg boots, crappy t-shirt and unbrushed hair.
“Can’t you dress up a little nicer for the doctor?” she asked. My reply was “What’s the point? I’m just going to be pulling my pants down anyway for him to look at my butt”… that whole ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude that teenagers have….
Anyway, back to today’s appointment, surgeon is impressed with how everything looks, even though I’m not happy with how everything looks! I’m concerned about a swelling in the area which he doesn’t seemed too fussed about. Says that it’s just scar tissue growing around the setons that are there that will eventually go away. But I want it to go away…like NOW. And my inner child starts to feel a tantrum coming on… Dr. Gold suggests that he go in for a “looksy” at the end of this month (which means day surgery), so he can clear things out and replace some setons. I am quite pleased that he wants to continue venturing into my butt because then he can have a proper view and tell me what’s happening where I cannot see. Inner child is quite pleased…

Then on to my next doctor’s appointment with the fabulous Dr. Marilyn Golden (it was a GOLD day!) who is my integrative medical specialist. I’ve been seeing her for years, and can really say that she saved my life when everything first flared up and I was very sick. I wanted to see her because I’ve noticed lately that I haven’t been feeling so good. I have days where I have high energy and feel amazing, and then some days, I feel a little cloud hanging over me. Typical Crohn’s condition Typical chronic illness – my new favourite (not really my favourite!) phrase. It’s like, I sometimes feel something in my body doesn’t feel quite right. I’m also unhappy with the side effects (pink urine, darkening of skin…. already people have been asking me “why are you so tanned? It’s winter!”) and would love to not be on every drug under the sun. Don’t get me wrong, I know that all of this stuff is working for me, and I am the first to say (I’ve even blogged about it!) to try EVERYTHING possible that you can do to make yourself better. To just give it a go and be positive. And I’ve been doing that, but….

But I was hoping for her to give me some sort of “answer” to explain this inconsistent feeling…that she would be able to give me the miracle cure of certainty about what’s happening in my body…and I was hoping she would tell me to just stop taking everything because she has just the right remedy for me…but of course, she didn’t. Because she’s a professional, and knows better, even though my inner child is standing up, with tears beginning to brim…

So as I drove away from my doctor’s appointment, I called my sister, and let my inner child take over and I started to cry… because it was all a bit too much and I was super pissed off because I just wanna be fixed already. I want to be “safely” in the remission zone. I don’t have time for this shit to happen again to me…this recent relapse was enough already…

And then after talking to her (did I mention she’s a psychologist? not to mention super amazing, intelligent AND an energetic healer – yes, she is a super hero…at least mine…) and having a tantrum about it all, she very gently told me to just “stop”. To take a mental holiday from trying to solve my Crohn’s mystery. I then realised what my problem is… I’m impatient. I want everything to feel absolutely amazing RIGHT NOW! I have become a perfectionist in regards to managing my Crohn’s. And lately, when things don’t feel quite right I get really reactive and book appointments with everyone (recall my blogs ‘Uncertainty’ and ‘Proactive vs. Reactive’). But now, it’s almost like I have TOO MUCH information (and some of it conflicts between doctors i.e: diet and medications, so that already can be difficult to manage!) and it’s just blocking my ability to feel it out for myself and to allow it to happen. My healing is going to take time – I can’t expect all these new treatments (Humira, Anti-MAP, change in diet, vitamins and supplements) to work in a flash. No matter how hard I will it, no matter how many doctors’ appointments I make, no matter how much I research about it, my Crohn’s is on it’s own path to healing. And I am just the vessel carrying it all, supporting it the best way (and ways) I can. So don’t be too hard on my body for not healing at the rate that my head wants it to heal.

*Exhale deeply*. Be patient. Be kind to your body. Be gentle with your approaches. I too am learning as I go. I swing from feeling really positive about it all, to feeling really crappy about it. But luckily now that I am aware of my feelings and my body, I can hopefully bring about change. I’m not going to modify any of my treatments at this stage again, because I need to acknowledge that they have been working, and that 80% of the time, I really do FEEL better. My body will respond when it’s ready and I will manage whatever health situation may arise, including a relapse. I’ve done it before, so I know that if I have to, I can do it again…I don’t want to, but I’ll do it… because that’s what I have to do to deal with Crohn’s. And then I will be ready for the healing to begin…again.

 

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