After sharing my recent bath time story to my surgeon on Tuesday, I am happy to say that he was impressed that my body is clearing itself. YAY!
Bad news is, he still wants to operate next week. BOO!
Basically what’s happened is where my first abscess was earlier this year, well, the cavity that held the abscess is still there. It has left a large, hardened, empty mass under my skin that is the size of a 20 cent piece. Anyway, that cavity needs to be removed now. The risk is that if it stays there, it could potentially fill up again to form a new abscess. Alternatively, I leave it, but deal with the fact that I have this bizarre growth that makes everything look asymmetrical down there. So I agreed with him about having it removed.
To be honest, the surgery didn’t need to be rushed anytime soon, but I was thinking about all my wonderful friends’ weddings coming up in the next couple of months, and I figure, the sooner I do the surgery, the sooner I’ll be up and running. Get it over and done with!
But then this week I noticed something – in my yoga class, I was holding poses longer, even trying some of the harder ones… I felt STRONGER… and then tonight at my basketball game, I played a whole 40 minute game without taking a break and felt good and wasn’t out of breath…I felt FITTER… and then as I was driving home from the game, it dawned on me that by going into surgery next week, I will be out of action for 3-4 weeks which means that I won’t feel this amazing strength in my body for another long while.
Now I know the positive is that the sooner I get the surgery done and out of the way, the better. I know that it’ll give me peace of mind, considering my emotional state around my health has been bloody all over the place! And it’ll mean I will be bouncing around and able to celebrate these amazing occasions coming up in the second half of the year.
But really, I just feel really bummed out about it all. This is the first time THIS YEAR that I have actually felt my body feel strong and fit. I forgot how good it felt to feel physically capable! It’s been so long since I’ve felt this good in my body, and I only noticed it this week when I was doing exercise. It feels so good to finally not tire out so easily, to not need to sit, or nap, or take it easy, or walk slowly….And now, I am going to lose that again because I have to go back to surgery.
I know my body will bounce back again, just like it did to get back to this point. The doctor says 4 weeks of no exercise, but it’s really more like 6 weeks before I can actually give exercise a proper try, so it’s really not that long to wait to be getting fit and strong again. And I know that the sooner I do this, the less at risk I am of something potentially going wrong again with the Crohn’s… but AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I’m really tired of feeling good and then having to deal with not feeling good again. It’s really shit. It’s a bloody marathon having to keep up with all the ups and downs of chronic illness! It’s just one hurdle after another! (Are you loving my fitness puns, eh? ehhh??)
I know I’ll get through it, I always do… it just feels a little tougher when you can FEEL the difference in your body. But I guess I am blessed that I CAN feel this good, even with Crohn’s Disease. And for a long time, I did feel this good before because I was in remission. So it’s not like I am back at square one. It’s just fresher in my mind that I am going to miss feeling this good again for a while. But hey, there are worse things in the world than being immobile for a few weeks waiting for my body to recover! So if you have any suggestions of good TV viewing or book reading, let me know, as I will be residing on my couch for the next couple of weeks taking it really easy xx