I woke up this morning at 6.30am and my mind was racing. All of a sudden I was a heap in the bed, curled up and crying. I tried opening my mouth to scream and nothing came out, all I could feel was a tightening in my throat – as if I was slightly embarrassed to let it out, but also that my body wouldn’t comply. I’m not in any physical pain, but I am in a heap of emotional pain.
I went to one of my doctors yesterday (the one who has been monitoring my diet and has put me on a large collection of supplements for a treatment) and I have been feeling amazing on her treatment, and my blood work also is showing positive results. YAY! But it’s what she said to me yesterday that has got me tipping over the edge: she said “I’ve seen people become relaxed with their diet because they have been feeling so good, but you won’t be able to do it. It would be DISASTROUS, and the body just never seems to be able to recover”. I asked “Why is that?” and she said “I don’t know, it’s just too shocking for the body, and you can’t return to this kind of treatment afterwards”. TALK ABOUT DRAMATISING EVERYTHING!
What pissed me off more is the things I SHOULD’VE said back to her when she said this, especially after I had my mantra of “clarity” yesterday. I have to give myself props though, because I did have the clarity to ask her about the sustainability of this treatment and told her it was very expensive for me – it’s like I hit a quota of clarity just by saying that, which explains why I wasn’t able to call her on her bullshit. I should’ve said “You can’t have me fearing the food I eat!!!” which had actually started happening recently – I was shit scared that something I ate would get me sick again! Thank god for acupuncture that helped relieve that anxiety!
The second thing I should’ve said to her was that I once was eating everything: dairy, wheat, sugar, junk food – really crappy food for 14 years when I had Crohn’s, and the relapses weren’t THAT immediate or horrific from my diet. So surely eating a fucking SALAD (I’m not supposed to eat raw food) isn’t going to be the worse thing for me! ARGHHHHH! My body will recover…it always does. It has already happily adapted to this super strict diet, so it will do it again if necessary! I can’t be scared to eat a little something that is off the diet, I mean, what if I go to someone’s house and they’ve accidentally cooked something for me with butter in it? It CAN’T be the end of the world! I get that she wants me to be strong and look after myself, and I know that diet is the KEY to keeping me feeling good and keeping my symptoms at bay. But the drama around it is just so FULL ON! I’m not into doctor’s that make you feel scared! Don’t they realise that you put so much trust in them? I am putting my health (and what it feels like, my life) into their hands, and then they make these statements as if they forget that I am human! I mean, if God can forgive us for our sins, surely our bloody doctors can too!
Another thing that pissed me off this morning was thinking about my surgeon. All of a sudden, setons do NOT make sense to me! I know they are there to clear out abscesses and fistulas, but how long is TOO long that they stay in there and perhaps interfere with the healing process?
The only thing I can relate tissue repair to is getting a piercing – the skin that is pierced doesn’t grow back, but instead, the scar tissue forms around the pin which creates a opening/hole to put an earring through. Well, setons are keeping a fistula open so that it clears out right? So isn’t my body now forming a hardened scar tissue AROUND the setons? Isn’t this going to cause complications down the track when they are removed but I have a ‘tunnel’ inside? I had a feeling this was happening a few months ago and I spoke to my doctors about it, but they brushed it off. Now they are FINALLY acknowledging that in one area where I have a seton, there is a hardening of scar tissue that is forming a shell, and my surgeon now wants to cut it out! ARGHHHHHHHH!!! I KNEW IT!
So yeah…that was my meltdown before 8am! Absolutely ridiculous! It’s amazing how one day I can be so strong and the next I can be so weak – funny that, Crohn’s symptoms are like that too! My emotional system is mimicking the physical system. But I must say, having an awesomely large cry really helped. And writing this blog helped too. GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM! Do what you need to do to get that “overwhelmed” feeling away from you!
And overall, I did have some “clarity” – to trust my gut. Ironic, I know, considering my guts are what got me here in the first place, but trust myself and my body. This was another learning experience that I really need to be true to myself and really communicate better with my doctors about my body and it’s needs. I have to be more ASSERTIVE and more confident with telling them EXACTLY what my body is doing. I know that ultimately their intention is to heal me (which I am grateful for), and that they want me to succeed on their treatment that they have seen work on a lot of people, but really, every single person is unique, and my body sometimes responds differently, and I need them to trust ME that I know what I’m talking about when dealing and healing with my Crohn’s.