Calm before the storm


Screw my last post about feeling calm about my operation day…we have lift off and I am freaking out! Actually, it’s more like sadness, an intense sadness… I woke up this morning and cried and mourned for the loss of my left labia today. The surgeon is going to remove the cavity from it which will involve an incision (and eventually a scar) of about 3-4 inches from the top of the labia to right underneath the vaginal opening.
And all of this dawned on me at 6.30am. I’ve known about this surgery for a couple of weeks now, but it’s like the realisation of what he was going to do, and the thought about how painful this surgery is going to be after the fact suddenly fell on me like a tonne of bricks. I feel utterly hopeless.
I’ve already imagined my confrontation with the surgeon today in the hospital, asking him to clarify EXACTLY what he is going to do, and whether he can do it another way! I’ve pictured me screaming at him “I DO NOT GIVE YOU MY CONSENT”, I’ve pictured myself ripping up that hospital document with the details of the surgery and storming off, and I’ve also imagined a version where I freak out at him and they sedate me and before I go into a ga-ga type of state, I beg my husband and my mum to “not let me go into the surgery”.
Ughhhhh. I feel like I shouldn’t have rushed this surgery now. I want to go back to work, (I’m surprisingly having so much fun there!) and the prospect of being off for a while to help the stitches heal and so I can walk properly is daunting. I also now have the massive guilts for not telling work that I had a procedure today. I should’ve really organised this surgery in the school holidays which are next month. It would’ve given me 2 weeks to recover, anxiety free. Surely I can arrange the new operation when I go in today? Can I do that? Can I negotiate a new surgery time on the day of my scheduled surgery? I’ve never done it before… I’m sure it is a hassle.
I’m going to go to a yoga class this morning. If I have the surgery today, it’ll be the last class I do for a while. I am going to make a decision about going into hospital AFTER that class. Maybe after some me time, some zen time, I will get some clarity for all of this. And hopefully, the storm will pass.


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