So I am currently lying on my couch feeling a little sorry for myself. After my weekend of complete rest and relaxation after my surgery on Friday, I went back to work this week. Now remember, I chucked a sickie on Friday with the “flu” so on Monday when I went in with my waddle walk, and sat down during all of my classes, I told everyone I pulled my groin over the weekend. I even had an elaborate story that I had slipped down some stairs and fell into the splits! Not too many people asked anyway because when you mention “groin injury” from the weekend…well…it just stops people asking questions without sounding like perverts!
Of course when I went back to work this week it was the most bullshit hectic week at work. I stayed back until 6.00pm everyday fixing up paperwork, planning lessons, teaching students, calling parents, organising excursions, issuing detentions, writing back to emails, having staff meetings, attending a literacy workshop, chasing up homework, marking work, arguing with teenage students, designing assessment tasks, completing mid-term reports for the Seniors AND commentated for the Sports Carnival (ok ok, you get the point, teaching is a bloody endless job!) and by Thursday, I was passed out in bed by 8pm, exhausted from the week that was not yet over! And then today, was like the straw that broke the camels back…I finally left work “early” at 4.30pm to “celebrate” my week out of surgery and wanted to go get a massage, and I got stuck in a massive traffic jam because of a 2 car pile up on the Anzac Bridge that left me in the car for almost an hour and a half before I got home. And then it dawned on me… why the hell did I do this to myself?
I am on the verge of tears but I’m just too tired to cry. I know there is no point regretting the week that has just been because I can’t change any of it now… but I realise that I went back to work AND had a crazy week because I think I wanted to prove something…prove something to myself. That I could do it. That I could be Superwoman. Yes, I could go have massive surgery AND return to work to be the busiest woman alive.
And now what do I have to show for it at the end of the week? A miserable mess on the couch. Tired, sore, swollen and limping. Not Superwoman – Super dumbass more like it! So as I reflect on how I neglected myself this week, I realise that this revelation is better sooner rather than later. I just cannot go THIS hard so soon. I was clearly trying to prove to myself that I can overcome anything and that surgery wasn’t going to hold me back! But yeah, I physically managed to pull myself together this week, but I am definitely not feeling any emotionally stronger for it. I have to remind myself that the things that I do and manage at work aren’t really the most important things to me in my life outside of work. Wearing myself out and stressing about deadlines isn’t going to make me happy, because I already know what makes me the happiest – when I am healthy.
This weekend’s agenda: sleep in, lie around as much as possible, get a massage, get a mani/pedi and look after me. And forgive myself for being a fool.