Yes, I, a 29 year old woman, wants her mummy. My mum who is away on holiday with my dad, I wish she were here. She is the ultimate “Everything will be ok” kind of person, that just being near her or hearing her voice makes you feel safe.
Today I am going back into hospital – 4 days ago I noticed a small abscess forming near my anus, a place where I have had an abscess before, and by Tuesday morning it had become a blister about the size of my pinky nail and everything around the area ached. The pressure behind it feels like you have a marble under your skin – you notice it when you walk or sit. Luckily I was able to squeeze in to see my surgeon that Tuesday morning at 11.30am, who declared at 11.45am that this was just a “niggle” (he didn’t want me to get upset and wanted to remind me that this was NOT a major setback, that this was just a minor situation) that needed to be cleaned out, and that he will replace the seton nearby as well. Let’s do it tomorrow! YAY!
I walked out of there feeling good. I would get this all under control in 24 hours! Sweet! I love it when it can be sorted quickly! Less time to think about it all. Not going to let this situation inconvenience the rest of my life and everything I have planned! Because by getting it done tomorrow, well, that means I can still go to that wedding I need to go to on Saturday, and thank god it’s still school holidays so I can recover for a couple more days after and do nothing, oh but I won’t be able to make my Wednesday night basketball game so I better let my team know, and thank goodness I have that acupuncture appointment on Thursday afternoon which will be great to help clear any general anaeasthetic that might still be lingering…
Oh shit! Who is going to take me into hospital at this short notice? Ehhhh, it’ll be fine, I will get my own way there! I call my husband, explain what’s going on and I can hear the awkwardness in his voice because I know he is super stressed and busy at the moment with work and he’s wondering how he is going to take the time off and I’m all like, “It’s cool! I’ll get a cab there, but you’ll have to pick me up” and I hear him literally exhale in relief that the option for him to go to work is still available.
How awesome am I? I’m not going to make this little “inconvenience” for me inconvenient for others! Plus, I have done this almost a hundred times before. No biggie. I talk to my sister and very nonchalantly tell her my plans for the hospital tomorrow, that I’ll make my own way there. It’s cool, it’s just a “niggle”. I’ll be in and out in no time. She offers to take me there but can’t pick me up because of work, which I think, great! Thanks, and it’ll save me money on that cab ride! At this stage I have not told my parents that I am going into hospital. I don’t want to worry them for something so small that I’ve dealt with so many times before. Plus, I’m feeling so good about it all, no need to upset them.
But now it’s the morning of the procedure and my husband has left for work and my sister just texted me to tell me she can’t take me anymore because she isn’t feeling well, and I’m feeling very sorry for myself. And because I played it so cool yesterday, no one else has made a big deal about it. Exactly the way I thought I wanted it. But no. No, no. I feel like shit today. I am super sooky and I wish my mum was here to take me to the hospital.
I was trying so hard to convince myself that this was no big deal, and on a physical and medical scale, the procedure I am getting done is NOTHING compared to what I’ve endured. And I seriously have done this procedure SO MANY TIMES! So what is wrong with me? I realise that for me, going into hospital by yourself feels horrible – it feels lonely and scary and you feel uncared for. I know this is not true about me and the people who love me, and to be fair, it’s my own fault because I made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal to everyone yesterday. And I know that people go into hospital by themselves ALL the time, I mean, people have their own lives and can’t drop everything for you! I mean, I even managed to convince myself that I too could be one of those people yesterday, but now I am a big fucking wuss. As I get older, I get sadder every time I go into hospital. It’s like a little part of the Hope and Optimism that I hold onto for dear life breaks off inside of me. And on top of it all, I realise that I am embarrassed that this is all happening again. I can almost hear my friends and family rolling their eyes that I am going into hospital YET AGAIN! Yep. That’s me. The Crohn’s girl, going into hospital again. Although, I am sure they are not doing this… I’m just being sook about it all. *sigh
So now that I’ve blogged about it and put it out there, I am feeling much better about it all. Getting to the hospital by myself might turn out to be a super empowering experience for me – I won’t need to keep a brave face for the person with me and won’t need to over analyse the situation… it might help put things into perspective for me that this really ISN’T a big deal. As long as there is someone there to take me home, I’ll be right. I’ll keep you posted with how it all goes. Wish me luck!